Another Step Closer

When people are tired they just like to give up and move on. Sometimes it is not worth the struggle to continue to persevere once you run out of energy. When you look at the big picture as a whole, that which you are trying to get, becomes even much more of a struggle to ascertain once your down to the last straw. It seems that my entire time at home has been filled with me feeling tired and wanting to throw in the towel. In brief, several events characterize why I feel the need to just not care about anything anymore.

After church on Sunday we arrived back home. During dinnertime we sat around the dinner table to eat, and instead of having a nice discussion about good happy things, we talked about the same thing that has been plaguing the household for five years now. I did not really like the conversation, but I had to sit and endure the talk. At first I did not know what the parents were talking about, but soon I realized that they were tired of me and my brother not doing the things they said (i.e. respecting them). I can honestly say that I have been doing at least to the best of my abilities everything that they say. Still it seems that it is not good enough for them. If they say put the plate on the table and I do it, they will still not be happy. They are more concerned with how you do it, versus you doing it at all. Therefore, I could put the plate on the table, but they will be like, I did not want it there but over there. On the most basic level that is how it is. You have to be meticulously perfect for them, and even then it still is not good enough for them; no matter what the reason there is always something wrong. Now a few things they do accept, but then I hardly ever get any recognition of any sort for it. For example, it almost seems that they were not even pleased that I was valedictorian in high school, that I mowed their lawn for countless times in the heat and cold, and that I even made it my next best goal to strive to keep the house clean. They only focused on the bad, the nasty, and the ugly. Nevertheless, this is what the essence of that dinner conversation was. Because I had been feeling this way for over five years now, I still said basically nothing at all to them. If I said something, they would counter it with something useless or completely say that what I was talking about does not apply here. I was physically and mentally tired from going through these types of things for several years, so I just accepted what they said and moved on. I cannot do more than my best for them.

I feel like giving up in the struggle for searching for money to pay for school. My parents have to understand that we should all just face the situation and figure out the best way to pay for school. Ironically they talk about the pain of paying for college when at the same time they are investing in new furniture, upgrading and buying a new car and truck, and even renovating the house while ignoring the college factor. Then when we talk about a mere $4000 to pay for school they act like it is an extremely large investment. I was a bit agitated over this during the summer before school, but I soon got over it. It was their money, so they could spend it however they wanted. I just looked for more and more scholarships. As I looked for more I became quite perturbed over the mass number of scholarships that I applied and continue to apply for that I will not get. The fact is that so many people apply for them that your one little application becomes lost in the masses. It is better to apply for the ones on the local level versus the national level. I did manage to get about 20 scholarships that all virtually paid for my first year of college, but for my next five years of school, I will have to figure out someway to pay for my room and board costs. With the odds against me, I do not want to apply for another scholarship, but I have to since the parents said it and I do not really want them to pay for school.

Communication presents this elaborate and complex problem in the house. Sometimes I just do not even want to bring things to my parent’s attention, especially things that are good and beneficial for me, because even just bringing it to them is this long series of steps. It is almost as complex and lengthy as the process of trying to pass a law. One simple yes or no answer could take as long as days to weeks for my parents. Now this is good in some respects because they like to cover all the bases of the decision, but for something that requires fast timing, it becomes quite the problem. The latest thing that I had to bring to them was for my summer program. I had to make a list of things that I needed and show it to them. However, once I made the list it took in excess of five hours to even show it to them. Now, there were a few things in the way, such as a visit from my aunt and a meeting out of the house. However, once things calmed down, I could not even talk to my step mom about it. Fortunately I was able to show it to my dad. The household is perhaps the only place in the world that I experience most of the vicissitudes with life. One day everything can be quite peachy, the next day it feels as if I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Ultimately, in order to stay calm and last through these vexing days, I must strive to remain optimistic in all circumstances. Though, I have managed to channel all my anger through my work, which sometimes has produced results contrary to what I wanted (for example, instead of horrible grades, I made extremely good grades when I was most angry, though when I am happy I make lower grades).